*****
Eyewitness
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."
*****
A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat !" "Look,
he's hiding the
flowers under the table !" "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then, during a fierce storm, the ship sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then
another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the ship ?"
*****
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boys says:
'Because I am the goalie'
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'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. 'Is It Common?' "Its not unusual."
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I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following:
A pint of milk
A tray of 6 eggs
A carton of orange juice
A pack of bacon
A ice-berg lettuce
A jar of coffee
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to the check out, a man
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
Cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the man calmly stated,
"You must be
single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the man's intuition, since I was indeed single. I
looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off
the man to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you
know that?"
The man replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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'Doctor doctor I think I am invisible' "Next !"
(Submitted by DS)
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Knock knock !....who's there ? ........"Doctor"..............Doctor who?
How did you guess that ?
( it's an old one )
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, 'Audi!'
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